


Home is Not a Place

by babs



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Amnesia, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode Tag, Gen, Hurt Comfort Bingo entry: Loss of Home/Shelter, M/M, Team as Family, blink and you'll miss it slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-26
Updated: 2019-07-26
Packaged: 2020-07-20 06:56:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19987987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babs/pseuds/babs
Summary: After the events of Fallen and Homecoming, Daniel Jackson is still searching for home.





	Home is Not a Place

Arrom gathered his few possessions---some rocks with carvings on them, a small wooden box with a secret latch that Errin had made, a rough made fired clay cup that he'd made to much laughter from the potter's guild.

He was leaving what he thought of as home but yet...not. He'd never quite fit in—he didn't know if he ever would. Certainly he had been treated with kindness, but he couldn't stay in the village. There were days his feet took him wandering far and he would stumble home in the dark, long after the lamps were lit and evening meals were eaten. 

He walked around the tent, the only home he'd known, once more, touching each wall hanging and rug, running his fingers over wood, and blew out the candles. His heart felt both heavy and light. He wondered how that was possible.

There were smiles from the strangers when he emerged and he followed them without a glance backwards at the village. The one named Jim—no—no that was wrong—Jack kept looking at him and Arrom was certain the man wanted to touch him, to guide him. 

He kept his head down so no one would see the fear in his eyes or the overwhelming feeling of wanting to run back to his tent and hide away. But he focused on his feet, watching as he kicked up dust and trod on sweet smelling herbs and turned the name Daniel Jackson over and over on his tongue. It didn't seem quite right but yet it didn't seem totally wrong.

And when they came to the Great Circle—the Stargate, the others had called it—the man named Jack took his arm before Arrom could pull it away. 

"We're going home, Daniel," Jack said and there was a strange catch in his voice that made Arrom—did he have to think of himself as Daniel now he wondered—meet his eyes in shock.

"It's gonna be okay," Jack said and Arrom—Daniel---believed him.

"Thank you," he said and bowed his head.

Beside him, Jack cleared his throat and when he looked at the man again, he thought there might be tears in his eyes but maybe it was just the reflection of the puddle—a wormhole, the woman, Sam had explained.

It was beautiful and Daniel held his breath as Jack took his arm and guided him up the stone steps. Daniel shook his arm away and frowned at Jim/Jack. 

"It's gonna be cold," Jack told him. "And there's a ramp on the other side."

Daniel looked at him again, raising his eyebrows. He had to trust these people—he *did* trust these people. 

"Just sayin'," Jack said. He motioned at the blue expanse and leaned in close. "I'll be right beside you."

Daniel nodded and took one step, two steps, and emerged into a large space—huge, cold, and gray. Oh so gray. He forced himself to look ahead—to not look back at what he'd lost and what he'd left behind. He already was missing his tent and his people.

An older man with a smile welcomed him and then he was bustled along by Jack and the others and found himself much later in a new home.

It was just a simple room—a VIP room, Jack said. What does VIP mean, he'd asked. And Jack had smiled and said, Very Important Person.

Was he? Daniel wondered. The room had little knick knacks—bowls and figurines and pictures. And books—lots of books. He touched them all, wondering at their secrets. 

"They're yours," Sam had said and then she'd hugged him again without his permisson and looked sad when he pulled away. He didn't mean to hurt her feelings but he didn't quite know how to take these people.

They said he was their friend—Jack said he was his best friend and Sam said they were friends too, but not in the way he thought men and women were meant to be friends. His head ached with trying to figure it out.

There was paper—he remembered paper and with it some writing implements. Pen, the word came unbidden and he picked it up and clicked the button on the end, watching as the nib emerged and then retreated. A memory flashed and was gone, but it brought with it a strange ache.

He settled in as best he could and found himself wandering halls and then back through the Stargate once more—memories of how weapons worked and languages filling his mind. But still—the memories he thought were most important didn't come. Jack and Sam and Teal'c would look at him at times and he wished he could be what they wanted him to be.

* * * * 

He stood in the Gate room with Jack and the others and watched Jonas walk through the Gate to his home. A home where he would be welcomed and know he belonged. 

Daniel pulled his arms to his chest as the others left. His home was here now, he reminded himself. In this cold gray place. He missed Vis Uban—its forests and greeness and the way the stars spilled across the night sky like the gods had walked its path.

Jack smiled when he asked if he got paid—he knew money was important on this world-- and started to leave. 

Daniel stood by himself, staring at the Stargate. He'd read and read and read reports—reports he himself had written. And mostly he remembered. But there was a big hole where Sam and Teal'c were supposed to be and even bigger one where he thought Jack might belong. 

Jack came back, put an arm over his shoulders, and ushered him out of the Gateroom, chatting about anything and everything and making sure he went to his room.

Daniel stood in the room—alone. It was starting to feel a bit more like home. He'd brought even more items from his office and by the bed, he'd placed a picture of SG-1 next to the one of Sha're. He looked at it again and traced a finger over each of their faces. He was between Sam and Jack in the picture and he looked happy—like he belonged with them. 

He took a shower and when it got close to seven, he went to the mess hall for dinner with the others. He knew most of the people at the SGC lived elsewhere. Teal'c lived here and he did. He wondered why. Maybe he wasn't allowed to leave. Maybe there was a part of him that was dangerous and had to be kept apart. When he and Teal'c watched movies, Daniel saw the sheer beauty of this world, of Earth. He wanted to see it, to walk it, to smell it.

He kept his head down while they ate and let their conversation wash over him. 

"Daniel?" 

Sam touched his arm, gently, softly. He met her gaze—her expression was troubled. Had he hurt her feelings somehow? He didn't know what to say so he kept silent.

"What's wrong?" she asked and then went on. "You look like you're thinking about something."

He looked at the others. Jack had stopped eating his pie, Teal'c had placed his silverware neatly on his plate. They were waiting for something, and he didn't know if he could give them what they wanted.

He shook his head and just before he lowered his gaze to his plate, he caught Jack looking at the other two in a way that he was sure should mean something.

"It's been a long day," Jack finally said.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Daniel," Sam said, and she hugged him. He still didn't understand why she insisted on that when they weren't together as mates and why there was always that little catch in her voice when she would bid him goodbye.

She gathered her tray and Daniel's and walked away. The silence grew longer.

"Daniel Jackson, perhaps you would like to accompany me to my quarters," Teal'c said.

"Yes," Daniel said and was at the door before he realized Teal'c hadn't followed. He looked back to see Jack talking to him and Teal'c nodding agreement. Daniel put his arms around his middle, trying to bring back warmth, and waited.

He liked Teal'c's quarters—it felt like a home to him. There were candles which Teal'c lit when they entered and he remembered Sha're's hair by candlelight—a richness of brown so deep he could lose himself in it. 

"Sit, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c told him and Daniel folded his legs and sat on the wool rug.

They sat in silence for a time and Daniel let himself listen to Teal'c's breathing and his own. 

"You live here," Daniel finally said. He looked around the room.

"I do. This is my home," Teal'c said.

"You work for the SGC and go to other planets, but are you a prisoner here?" Daniel voiced his fear.

Teal'c shook his head. "I am not. I choose this place as my home."

Daniel let his gaze follow the path of a golden thread among the red ones-- which echoed his own wandering, unsure path.

"Am I a prisoner?"

"Why do you believe so?" Teal'c asked. 

"Jack lives somewhere else. Sam does too." Daniel paused and a new thought came to him. "Do they live together?"

"They do not," Teal'c told him. "O'Neill and Major Carter are teammates, nothing more."

"But they live other places," Daniel said, wanting to make sure.

"Yes," Teal'c said. "Are you troubled by this?"

Daniel shook his head. "I can live here."

"Do you want to live here?"

"I..." Daniel took a deep breath before answering. "I want to know where my home is."

Teal'c was silent a long time as if he were trying to figure out how to tell Daniel something he wouldn't want to hear. "I can not tell you that. You will need to find it yourself."

Daniel nodded although he wasn't quite sure that his question had been answered. "Thanks." He got to his feet.

"Daniel Jackson," Teal'c said when he was at the door. "You are my friend."

Nice as the sentiment was, it didn't give him the answer he needed. "Thank you, Teal'c."

* * * * 

He threw himself into work—lost himself in the ancient past and buried his doubts and fears in languages. He went off-world and met new people and went to his room at night and tried to tell himself he was happy.

He even learned to smile at Jack's jokes and comments and go on long scientific leaps and rambles with Sam and find peace and comfort in Teal'c's serenity and confidence. And still the ache remained—the sense of not belonging, of not quite being home.

They ate dinner together one evening and when Sam and Jack went to the elevator in the clothes they would change to after a mission, Daniel followed them into the cabin.

"Daniel?" Sam looked at him, tilted her head.

Jack leaned against the wall and crossed his arms. "Is something wrong?"

Daniel shook his head and pulled his arms close, took a deep breath. "I want to see the sky."

Jack hit the button to make the elevator stop. "Shit."

Sam looked at Daniel again and then at Jack. "Sir, we---"

"Yeah," Jack said and then pushed the button to take them back down.

Daniel felt his heart sink a bit. He looked at the doors, kept his gaze carefully averted and swallowed past the pain in his throat.

"Carter," Jack said when the doors opened. "Go see if you can rustle up some clothes. I'm gonna go see Hammond."

Daniel stepped out, watched as the doors closed, and began walking towards his room—only to have his arm caught by Jack.

"Where are you going? Come with me." Jack didn't let go of his arm, led him down the hall and down some stairs until they were at the briefing room.

"Just wait," Jack said and disappeared through the door Daniel knew led to General Hammond's office.

He wandered over to the big windows overlooking the Gate room and watched as the puddle formed and a team left through the wormhole. He rested his head against the glass and sighed.

He wondered why all the memories of missions had returned, and all his skills with languages, but the memories he needed—the ones of Jack and Sam and Teal'c stubbornly refused to return fully. Maybe it was some sort of punishment—a last fuck you from the Ancients for daring to interfere and not follow the rules. Or maybe it was simply his own brain blocking things that were too painful. 

Jack came back into the room. "Hammond wants to talk to you," he said.

Daniel wiped his hands on his pants—what if General Hammond was going to punish him for trying to leave with Jack and Sam? What if his days here were over? Where would he go? Abydos had been home, but Abydos was no more. He'd been responsible for destroying that home. Would they let him go back to Vis Uban? He didn't want to, but for a time, it had been the closest thing to home he had—it was the only home he could think of.

General Hammond was sitting behind his desk and he smiled at Daniel.

"Doctor Jackson," he began, and when Daniel stood stiffly, he motioned for him to sit.

"Colonel O'Neill has just brought something very important to my attention."

Daniel felt his breath quicken and he started to blink faster, clenched his hands into fists. Jack put a hand on his shoulder, squeezed it reassuringly.

"You'll understand that when you ascended, we had to close out the lease on your apartment. Colonel O'Neill took care of most of your possessions—he assures me he has everything in storage."

Daniel looked up at Jack and then back to Hammond. "I don't understand," he said. 

"Remember all those papers you had to sign?" Jack asked. "The ones when you first came back?"

Daniel nodded. "They said they were to reinstate my status."

"Exactly," General Hammond said. "There's a lot of paperwork involved when someone declared dead miraculously comes back. But thankfully all of that has been taken care of."

"So I get paid," Daniel said and couldn't help smiling when Jack laughed.

"I fear we haven't kept you as well informed as we should have," General Hammond continued. "The SGC has been looking for lodgings for you off base, and for some reason, we didn't think to inform you or even include you in the process."

"At first Doctor Fraiser wasn't comfortable with you living off base," Jack said. "Not with your--" He made a little twirling motion near his head. "You know."

"My amnesia," Daniel said. "It's okay to say it."

"Colonel O'Neill has proposed that you stay with him until we or you find an apartment or house," General Hammond said. "If that is agreeable to you."

Daniel nodded his assent and stood on legs that felt a bit shaky. Jack kept a hand on his shoulder while Daniel thanked Hammond.

He followed Jack to the locker room where Sam stood with some clothes—not uniforms, but ordinary clothes—the kind Jack came in each day.

"I hope they'll fit," Sam said and put them in Daniel's arms. "We'll go shopping tomorrow."

"Um, thank you?" Daniel held the clothes tight to his chest.

Jack gave him a little push inside the door. "Five minutes," he said.

Daniel put on a pair of blue jeans and a long sleeve shirt that had sleeves too long for him. He came out and Sam pulled him into another hug.

"Tomorrow," she whispered in his ear before she left.

* * * *

He felt a little sick as Jack drove them to Jack's house. Jack hadn't said anything since they left the base and Daniel tried to figure out if Jack was mad at him or something else was going on.

He swallowed down bile and closed his eyes only to find that made things worse.

"Daniel?" Jack said when they stopped at a traffic light. He put a hand on Daniel's thigh. "You okay?"

Daniel shook his head which was a pretty stupid thing to do, he thought as he started to gag.

"Open the door," Jack ordered and Daniel did, cold air hitting his face, and his dinner making a reappearance on the street.

"We're soon there," Jack said, his hand a heavy, warm weight on Daniel's back.

Daniel heaved a few more times until he had nothing left to bring up. He leaned back in the seat, sweating and exhausted. Jack handed him a tissue to wipe his mouth.

They drove to Jack's house with all the windows open. 

"Take it easy," Jack said—he put an arm over Daniel's shoulders and led him to the house.

"I'm okay," Daniel said as he sat down on the sofa. "Just—the ride."

Jack nodded. "I have peppermint tea. You want some? It might help to settle your stomach."

"Thanks." Daniel nodded and watched as Jack went to the kitchen. The overwhelming need to brush his teeth, rinse his mouth became stronger and he got up from his seat and went to the bathroom.

He opened the cabinet, grabbed a green toothbrush and a half squeezed tube of toothpaste because it felt right and brushed until his mouth no longer felt as if he'd eaten road-kill.

He looked up after rinsing and saw himself in the mirror. His eyes widened. He knew this place—this room. He threw the brush in the sink and opened the other door. Jack's bedroom.

Third drawer on the left in the chest of drawers, right side of the closet, right side of the bed. He opened the drawer, found a well-worn t-shirt, looked in the closet to see all the clothes pushed to the far left.

Oh God, oh God—Daniel ran from the room, went into the living room.

Not much of a foundation, never liked beer. Images swirled in his head, sitting on Jack's sofa, beer in hand, watching a hockey game, Jack's hand on his shoulder, his back. Jack smiling, a chess board between them. He opened the front door, hesitated only a second before heading to the back and up onto the roof.

There were two chairs there and a telescope. 

"Where's Abydos?" his voice echoed and Jack let him look through the scope and then held him while he mourned.

He sank to his knees, groped for the chair with eyes shut tight against memory after memory.

He heard the crunch of footsteps and hid his face. "Why didn't you tell me?" 

He heard a creak as Jack sat down on one of the chairs. "Look at me."

Daniel shook his head but then opened his eyes, unable to stand it any longer. "Why didn't you tell me? His voice cracked.

"Doctor Fraiser said you'd remember things on your own." Jack's voice was tinged with regret. "I'm sorry."

Daniel took in a shuddering breath, more memories pouring into his mind—memories of Jack and Sam and Teal'c. All those holes that hadn't filled filling now to overflowing.

He'd been loved and cherished, his friendship valued in ways more deep than he'd imagined. And over and over a sense of love and respect and caring and belonging. It wasn't the house he'd been looking for, it was the people, the connection he'd had, needed with those he loved so very very dearly.

All the fear, all the doubt seemed to drain out as the holes in his heart were filled. He wiped at his face, at the wetness he found there.

"Daniel," Jack said. 

Daniel looked at him in the moonlight. "I'm home. I'm finally home."

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the first two lines of the beautiful song, Home, from the musical Wonderland by Frank Wildhorn:
> 
> Home is not a place, an address you memorize.


End file.
